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: -) JOKES : -)
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A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words.
 At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!".
But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him. Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect.
From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door. T
his time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened: "I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
 
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A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.
" The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor
 
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A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma.
"I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
 
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Heavenly Lighting
 
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"George replied, "God and me are close.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on, when I'm done poof the light goes off.""Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife."Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm wondering about his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?
"Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my goodness! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!"
 
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A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma.
"I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
 
 
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Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.
 
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LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE
PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE
"HAPPYBIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT 
DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,
BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE
HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY
DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S
YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH.
BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO
THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY...
WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS
OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...
ON THE COUCH...NAKED
 
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